A letter to my niece

As another candle is added to your birthday cake you stand at the border of life unsheltered by the walls of your Mom’s home. You may be filled with anxiety and excitement, as you should. Life beyond high school and home can be an overwhelming and amazing experience. Take it one step at a time…

Addicted to Addicts

It wasn’t until the last month (or so) that I became aware of my own addiction. I am addicted to addicts. My first husband is an alcoholic, gambling addict and sex addict. I later discovered he also has severe depression and Borderline Personality Disorder, but we will touch more on that later. Six years after…

Numb

I stand back, heart pounding, breathing short and shallow, legs weak and witness the dive off the wagon. A dive void of any grace. Again and again and again. I still find myself in disbelief. Watching as the 24-hour chips multiply. Shock striking my heart like an expertly thrown spear. Almost immediately the hurt turns…

My Journey in Al-Anon….Step Two

I was asked what word or words hold the most meaning to me in step two. Without hesitation my voice spoke the word “Restore.” The weight of that singular word for me is life changing. I remember a time when I was happy, truly happy, and joyous. when life was fun and I could appreciate the wonderful things that surround me.

Face First off the Wagon

As the words he just spoke register I know it without a doubt, he has been drinking. I can feel it immediately. That devastating acknowledgement that sinks in my stomach like a brick. ¬†I have to grab ahold of the stable¬†counter next to me as my knees begin to buckle under me. The granite is…

My Journey in Al-Anon….Step One

My chest tightens as my all too vivid memories haunt me. I remember as I struggled to get the door open of the downstairs bathroom. I had just gotten home from work and we were supposed to be celebrating our anniversary. I shoved and shoved the door using all my weight with my shoulder as battering ram. Steam surrounded me as it escaped the narrowly open door. I had only managed to open it enough to get my head in. He was blacked out on the floor, again. The hot shower had been running long enough that the steam had soaked every inch of the bathroom and even the fixtures outside the shower were dripping water. He lay, contorted, with his pants around his ankles. One boot on, one boot off and his truck keys dangling from his open hand. I let the door slam back into place as I fell to the floor, buried my face in my hands and sobbed. There will be no celebration today.

Means to an end…

Knowing that an end was inevitable does not make the culmination any easier. It does not grant any peace. Still bathing in denial I analyze the beggining to the end. Searching for the moment everything shifted and sealed the envelope of fate. Regret is useless yet proves near impossible to shed. Questioning if I fought…