I stand back, heart pounding, breathing short and shallow, legs weak and witness the dive off the wagon. A dive void of any grace. Again and again and again. I still find myself in disbelief. Watching as the 24-hour chips multiply. Shock striking my heart like an expertly thrown spear. Almost immediately the hurt turns to disappointment. Disappointment turning to fear then quickly breeding a rage unable to be contained. Any attempt to cage this vehemence results in an emotional war with such ferocity that my soul is left in an unrecognizable ruin. Nauseated I drag my feeble self away. Away from the pain, away from the reality of the relentless events. I find myself alone in silence. I sense a bitter cold stealing my drive to continue. A wall coming up around me. A shield to protect me from the battering ram of my life. If I keep feeling these wounds I will give up completely. I must go numb. I no longer know how to look at him with love but at least the resentment has faded. Just going through the motions like a marionette dangling from its strings. Hollow, lifeless, numb.