A journal entry. 6/5/2015
I recline my head welcoming the ice cold liquid. Its bitterness and its heat lingers. I seek solace at the bottom of my glass. I know the answers I search for won’t be found this way. Yet, I tip my head back again inviting it within me once more. With each sip the cloud blankets my pain just a little more. Craving the caress of its fog. I surrender myself to its power.
Why? This questions’ screams deafen me from within the core of my soul. Begging for even just a modicum of understanding. With each passing moment I feel any answer pulling further away. I watch as it drifts farther like the outgoing tide of an unforgiving sea. My body grows heavier as its burden anchors me to the earth. Restraining me, emprisoning me. I sit motionless. Shackled with its vicious pain.
“Grow from this” he tells me. How do I grow from this?! How do I even continue when it’s stealing the very breath I need to survive. “It’s your choices that brought you here” he says. It’s my fault yet I am supposed to love myself. Find self worth in a person who has failed to the point where my reason for living is being taken away from me. If I was worth anything at all then I wouldn’t be here. My heart wouldn’t be torn from my chest as others smile on. That evil smirk haunting me. So reassured of himself that he has defeated me. Anger envelops me. Only to subside and allow the torturous pain another moment to strip me of any strength that remained. Fear consumes me. Bathing in doubt and relentless showers of self loathing.
The ticking hands of the clock continue on their revolving path completing their rotation without hesitation. I kneel with my tired arms enfolding around my shaking body. Frozen in this moment. Equidistant to the edges that surround me I watch as the world moves forward unburdened. I remain unmoving. Tethered by this agony that cripples me.
The suns light steals away the darkness and shines upon the grass. I too should allow the light in but unlike the revived sky my darkness has not receded. I can feel it swimming within me. Coating each surface as it flows through my weakened self. My lungs strain with each shallow breath I manage. The air hot against my skin but the cold that fills me burns far more upon the surface as they collide.
The sensation familiar. This life just a repetitious battle of what lies beneath my pale skin and the universe it inhabits. Wounds shown both in and out reminding me of its relentless force. How can I ever break free of this cycle? Each time I have found myself progressing something comes and steals my small victories. The loss more severe and chipping more away from my disappearing heart. Mending, again and again. Once the repair nears its finish another bruise, rip, cut. Pieces now missing. Each mend healing less and less as the holes grow deeper.
How much more can I take before no amount of repair can put me back together? My strength diminishing and I have nothing left to regain it. My eyes run dry now. I have cried an ocean worth of tears and now even my eyes lacking enough strength to continue. My eyelids swollen making it painful to even open them and try to look upon the cruelness around me. So much of me wanting to just give up. Allow myself to runaway and begin again. I cannot. It’s not just about me and my happiness. My life devoted to two precious souls that look to me for guidance and love. Even as life is trying to take them from me I have to continue to move forward, or at least appear to be. So slowly I raise myself off my knees to place my feet beneath me. Unsteady and clumsy I try to center myself and balance.
My face looking into the mirror hanging before me. The reflection that looks back is not what others see. I do not see kindness, intelligence or beauty. I gaze upon a battered shell that would be lost in a crowd. Nothing special or desirable to separate me. Once again I reach for the mask I must hide behind to face another day. The smile on this mask will cover my quivering lips. It will disguise the anguish that consumes my eyes. When my eyes find tears again they will fall in secret and I will insert confidence in my voice. There is now no one left that I can take this mask off for. They only want to see happiness and growth. I will give it to them but they will not have ME.
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