My Journey in Al-Anon….Step One

My chest tightens as my all too vivid memories haunt me. I remember as I struggled to get the door open of the downstairs bathroom. I had just gotten home from work and we were supposed to be celebrating our anniversary. I shoved and shoved the door using all my weight with my shoulder as battering ram. Steam surrounded me as it escaped the narrowly open door. I had only managed to open it enough to get my head in. He was blacked out on the floor, again. The hot shower had been running long enough that the steam had soaked every inch of the bathroom and even the fixtures outside the shower were dripping water. He lay, contorted, with his pants around his ankles. One boot on, one boot off and his truck keys dangling from his open hand. I let the door slam back into place as I fell to the floor, buried my face in my hands and sobbed. There will be no celebration today.

Means to an end…

Knowing that an end was inevitable does not make the culmination any easier. It does not grant any peace. Still bathing in denial I analyze the beggining to the end. Searching for the moment everything shifted and sealed the envelope of fate. Regret is useless yet proves near impossible to shed. Questioning if I fought…

Master of Disguise

A month has come and gone. My mask still firmly in place. It has become an automatic part of my daily routine. My tired hand will rest on the door as I place this mask upon my face. A deep breath and let it hide the truth. So many fooled. They easily accept this lie.…

My Twelve Steps

9/24/2016 Today I attended my first Al-Anon meeting. I was looking forward to it until my hand grasped the door handle. Suddenly I was blanketed with nervousness and fear. I hadn’t thought much about what to expect. Light-headed I fell into the first chair I came to. As my body fought against the stiff shape…

The Red Maple Tree

A single red maple tree stands firm bathing in the sun. It is not planted in a gathering of trees but rather stands as one. Roots burrowed below the grass clinging to the Earth. Passers by spare no glance nor contemplate its worth. Alone in a vast meadow unsheltered, insignificant and small. But born with…

Defeated Moment, Masked

A journal entry. 6/5/2015 I recline my head welcoming the ice cold liquid. Its bitterness and its heat lingers. I seek solace at the bottom of my glass. I know the answers I search for won’t be found this way. Yet, I tip my head back again inviting it within me once more. With each…

It’s the Sickness

You have his eyes, his touch and his smile But the man I love has been absent now for awhile I cannot show anger, hurt or especially tears I am to swallow down the darkest of my fears On my knees I plead for him to return to me Now which version is here, don’t…